


I Remember Terrible Things

by GeminiRenegade



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Horror, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Madness, Romance, Sexual Themes, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 10:31:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20113663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeminiRenegade/pseuds/GeminiRenegade
Summary: I remember it all too clearly. She's hidden a knife on her. I can't let it happen again. Ever again. Time to be a fucking hero.-Updates to this story will likely be sporadic and somewhat rare. I have a tendency to be a perfectionist. I don't think the rating will need to be raised, but who knows.





	I Remember Terrible Things

I've been remembering things lately. Terrible things. Things that I should not be remembering. Things that never happened. Little by little I remember more and more. I remember a girl that does not exist. I remember how she died and how I found her...hanging in her room, fingers bloody from desperate second thoughts. I asked myself over and over what I could have done differently. I can now see everything that should have been obvious from the start. The pain she kept hidden from me and the course of action I should have taken. How often had I disregarded the little clues that screamed she was suffering? She deserved so much better than what I showed her. If I had just paid attention to her I would have seen the signs. I've failed her as her terrible best friend.

Soon after I found her, everything went dark and I couldn't remember anything past that point. Even the memories of her were wiped away. She was my best friend, but I still couldn't remember her. Her name....it was...Sayori...wasn't it? It's becoming clearer.

I'm so sorry. I wish I could have taken all the pain away. I wish I could have given you what you wanted from me. But when you told me how you felt about me I knew I couldn't lie to you. It would have hurt you far worse than telling you the truth. I love you, but not in the way you wanted. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But I meant what I said. You will always, truly, be my very dearest friend. I mean that with my whole heart and nothing will ever change that.  
-

My memories of this week have been scattered...fragmented. Like I've been through this week many times before. Sometimes Sayori is there...sometimes not. And sometimes...it's just Monika. 

I know she knows something. I know she has something to do with all this. I've been there...here...in this room. Where it's just me and her...and no one else. Nothing else. I've spent what felt like an eternity in this room just talking to her. Talking...forever. Though it was much more like I was just listening than it was a real conversation and much of what she said didn't make sense. It was as if she wasn't even talking to me, but rather someone else. I was certain we were the only ones there, but she just kept talking as if I wasn't there at all. Not that I remember much of it. I was barely even conscious during that time. It was like being in a coma, but also being awake at the same time. Like a zombie. I don't remember how I escaped either. I only remember that she just wasn't there anymore. And then, just like that, I wasn't either.

I fear it's going to happen again soon. Some...thing just forced me to choose to help Monika with the festival preparations over the weekend. I don't understand how it happened. I tried saying Yuri's name, but the name failed to come out. It was as if I forgot how to speak. Monikas' name seemed to force itself to the forefront of my mind. Despite this, I tried again, forcing Yuri's name out and suddenly everything went white. All I could see were a pair of impossibly vivid eyes looking at every inch of me, lusting for me. I opened my mouth to scream and the name "Monika" tumbled from my lips. Is she really causing all this? How could she be? If she is behind all this...how is she doing it? Why?

"Yay! You picked me!" I feel sick.

Yuri is losing herself. I can see it in her eyes. The way she talks isn't like her. She's terrifying and cruel. 

Poor Natsuki is so worried about her. She slipped me a secret message when we were sharing poems earlier. It was begging me to do something to help Yuri. She knew at that point I was the only one who had any chance of getting through to her. The message urged me to convince Yuri to see a therapist and expressed her own frustrations over Monikas' nonchalant attitude regarding Yuri's degrading mental state. I reeled back when I looked up from the sheet of paper to find her face was missing. In a distorted voice she demanded I forget everything I just read and spend more time with Monika. I was too stunned to say anything. I blacked out as the words "Just Monika" repeated over and over in my head. Moments later I wake up feeling lightheaded, yet on my feet, as if I only got lost in thought.

That witch makes some snide remark to me about how unlikable Yuri is and giggles before Yuri forces her and Natsuki from the room. The distressed look Natsuki gives me before I lose sight of her begs just one thing. "Please, help her!" The door slams shut behind them and Yuri stares at me.

My heart is beating out of my chest. This is the moment when it happens. I'm terrified. Not for myself, no. I can't remember any instance when she has ever hurt me. She talked about the macabre things she wanted to do to me, but she's never actually tried. Even if she did try to hurt me it wouldn't matter. I'm too scared of what she's going to do to herself for me to care about my own safety.

She approaches, filling my veins with ice. "Finally." Yuri sighs, a fragment of her normal self shows for just a moment before the madness returns. "Finally! This is really all I wanted. Kaito, there's no need to spend the weekend with Monika. Don't listen to her. Just come to my house instead. The whole day, just the two of us...Doesn't that sound wonderful?"

The wild look in her eyes leaves me stone still, yet still I try to speak. To calm her down. "Y-yeah...that does sound great. I would rather spend that time with you anyway."

Her insane laugh sends a chill down my spine. She seems to relax just a bit. "Wow...There's really something wrong with me, isn't there?"

"Yes...there is, but don't worry! I know it's not your fault! I don't blame you for any of this! Please try to relax! I...I think I can help you!" What can I even do?

"I don't need any help, Kaito, because you know what? I don't care anymore." That smile... Oh god, that smile..."I've never felt this good in my entire life. Just being with you is a far greater pleasure than anything I could imagine. I'm addicted to you. It feels like I'm going to die if I'm not breathing the same air as you. Doesn't it feel nice to have someone care about you so much? To have someone who wants to revolve their entire life around you?"

With a gulp and shaky hand I reach out and take hers gently. "I-it's wonderful, Yuri...I care about you too. I really do." I'm not lying. The memories I have now bring me back to countless timelines where I had fallen for her, and she for me. I do love her, so much. She's still in there. I know she is. I've seen fragments of her real self fighting back throughout the week. She needs my help and I'm going to save her. I don't know how, but I will.

"But if it feels so good...then why does it feel more and more like something horrible is going to happen?" I swallow hard. I want to reassure her. I want to tell her I'll find a way to fix all this. I'll stop all these horrible things and save everyone. Her, Natsuki...and Sayori...but she continues before I can find my voice. "Maybe that's why I tried to stopping myself at first..."

"Please!" I shout, "Please don't give up, Yuri! You can't stop fighting! Look at yourself, Yuri! Something's twisted you into something unrecognizable from who you were!" My fists tremble at my sides. "I think Monika has something to do with this. I was afraid to say something because I think she can hear us. But it doesn't matter anymore now! Even if she is listening it doesn't matter! If this goes on something terrible will happen! Please fight it, Yuri!" 

My pleas fall on deaf ears and she shakes her head with a wicked smile. "The feeling's too strong now, Kaito. I don't care anymore! I have to tell you! I'm...I'm madly in love with you! It feels like every inch of my body...every drop of blood in me...is screaming your name. I don't care what the consequences are anymore! I don't care if Monika is listening! Please, Kaito, just know how much I love you. I love you so much that I even touch myself with the pen that I stole from you. I just want to pull your skin open and crawl inside of you." I take a step back. Those eyes... Those words...They still shake me. "I want you all to myself. And I will be only yours. Doesn't that sound perfect? Tell me, Kaito. Tell me you want to be my lover. Do you accept my confession?"

The air hangs heavy. My heart beats harder than I can bare. This is the moment. I remember it all too clearly. She's hidden a knife on her. I accepted her confession last time. I pitifully thought that maybe it would calm her down. I would have accepted it regardless. Even at that time, the memories of who she really was were leaking through. I had hoped that with the admission of my shared love for her that she wouldn't do anything drastic. That horrible scene is scarred into my mind. My love took her own life before my eyes. Laughing and laughing, she plunged the knife into herself again and again until she fell dead to the ground. I fell to my knees beside her, my mind and heart broken. Wetness flowed freely from my eyes and fell silently to the ground. White noise. I couldn't move. Her lifeless eyes stared up at me as if to further promise her love for me. Or perhaps begging me to save her. White noise. I stared back. Even now, they're beautiful. I found myself trapped in them. Lost in them. Without even the capacity to blink. White noise. Why? Didn't I give her all she wanted? All we wanted? White noise. We could have been together. White noise. It got dark. I still couldn't move. White noise. Come back. Please come back. White noise. I still love you. White noise. I need you. White noise. White noise. White noise.

No...I can't let it happen again. Ever again. Time to be a fucking hero. I take a deep breath and slowly approach her. "Yuri...I can't tell you...how happy I am to hear you say that." My eyes quickly glance down to where I know the knife is hidden and back up to her face. "I love you too. I love you more than I can possibly hope to convey." I'm close enough now "Yes, I do accept your confession."

She begins to laugh. Reserved. It's like her old self at first, but quickly becomes deranged. I see her pull out the knife and I move without a second thought. I grab her by the wrists and try to twist it out of her hand while she's still surprised, but she holds on tight. "Kaito, my love! What are you doing?!" she shouts at me.

"I can't watch you die again!" I shout, pleading. This seems to stun her as her eyes go wide. I twist her wrist once more and the knife falls to the ground with a clang and a clatter. I step on it and slide it towards the window. "I love you, Yuri! I wasn't lying when I said that! I really do! You say you feel good just by being around me?! Then why the hell are you trying to leave me?!" My eyes are full of tears.

That crazed look remains, but I can hear her voice breaking into a sob. "Please help me, Kaito... I'm so scared..." Tears begin welling up in her eyes and stream down her face.

A small sense of relief washes over me. She really is still in there...She's still fighting. I speak softly, letting my voice become a beacon of peace for her terrified mind. "I'm here for you, Yuri. You're going to be okay. I promise. I'm going help you through this. Just keep fighting it. I'm here. "

"I'm trying, Kaito" she sobs, "I'm trying so hard! But it just feels so good. It feels amazing! Oh god, it feels so good!" A perverse moan escapes her throat and her breathing grows heavy. She leans forward and drags her tongue across my face. She nearly screams in pleasure from the sensation. "Kaito, your skin tastes amazing! Auuh! I want more! I want to know what your blood tastes like!" She's wrenching her body about, trying to free herself from my grasp.

I draw back in shock, but hold tight on her wrists. I won't let go. I can't. For her sake. "Agh! Yuri. I need you to do something for me, okay?"

She pauses her hysterical thrashing and brings her face far too close to mine. "Of course, Kaito! Anything for you!"

I scramble to think of something that may reach her. Maybe some way to calm her down. Something that will resonate with her... My eyes catch the closet. That's it! "Um...Could you make us some more tea? And...maybe then we can continue reading The Portrait of Markov together? I really can't wait to find out what happens next."

She looks genuinely surprised that I would suggest something so casual. Her eyes seem to take on a normal demeanor again. Did that really do it? It seems shock may be the key to bringing her back when she loses it. "Y-yes...th-that's a wonderful idea, Kaito." Her voice shakes, but the tension I feel through her wrists is greatly diminished. We gaze at each other with fear in our eyes.

"I'm...going to let go now, okay?" Her eyes are welling again, but she nods hesitantly. I speak with absolute certainty in my voice. "You'll be okay. I promise." Slowly I release my grip on her. Her arms slowly drift down in front of her chest. She's shaking like a leaf.

"Th-thank you, Kaito. I...I'll go...prepare the tea..." She breathes. I take a careful step back, keeping tension in my legs and arms in case I need to stop her. She turns and hesitantly makes her way towards the closet.

"Yuri?" I speak calmly. She stops and looks back at me." ...Take your time...We're in no hurry. Just keep calm."She nods nervously and continues toward the closet, much more slowly this time.

Without taking my eyes off her I walk quietly towards where I kicked the knife. I don't know if seeing it will change her back or not. I have no memories to guide me, so I don't want to take any risks. I need to keep her safe, no matter what it takes.

Watching out of my peripheral vision where the desks were so as not to noisily bump into one, I eventually reach the window. I quickly glance down to look to see where the knife is then back to Yuri. I saw it. I take a few steps back towards the knife. Kneeling down, I reach for it. I sharply inhale as it cuts my finger. Yuri didn't notice. She's still in the closet. Good. I breathe out quietly. Sliding my hand down the flat end of the blade I find the handle.

Standing up, I chance glancing at the window. Locked. I gulp and lean forward, trying to see if the window in the middle of the room is open only to find myself disappointed. Only one window left...The one next to the closet.

I slowly inhale and exhale quietly. I take a few tentative steps toward the closet. She's still there, but I don't know for how much longer. I hope to god she doesn't turn around. I don't know what could trigger the twisted part of her mind to surface. My eyes catch the window lock. It's open.

I grab the handle with my free hand and pull. A loud squeaking pierces the silence as the window opens with more resistance than I expected. In a panic I toss the knife out the window and breathe a sigh of relief. The greatest danger is gone.

"Kaito." Yuri whispers in my ear. I jump back and my head turns to see those wide, bizarre, strangely too vivid eyes looking directly at me from only a few inches away. She's angry. "That wasn't very nice of you. That knife was a part of my collection. Why would you do something so cruel?"

I take a step back and breathe heavily. My voice is unsteady. "I did it to keep you safe, Yuri. I'm sorry, but since you're not acting like yourself I can't risk you getting your hands on anything that dangerous."

She gently caresses the side of my face with her hand. That smile is unsettling. "You're so sweet, Kaito. Always thinking of me. And I'm always thinking of you. Always. I truly can't think of anything else, but why would I ever want to? You're all I need." Her face draws closer to mine. She licks her lips and parts them. I try to pull myself away, but she's since gripped the hair on the back of my head, forcing me to stay. "And now, you're all mine!"

I push against her shoulders, knocking her back into the closet and I find myself falling onto my back. In a panic I scoot back, helplessly trying to regain distance from her, but she's back on me in an instant. She pins my arms to the ground and smiles her wide eyed smile at me. "You're not getting away, Kaito!"

My thoughts are racing. What can I do? I can't bare this. "Stop...please..." No! What do I do!? I shut my eyes tight, wishing this would all stop, silently begging for a way to fix all this. I want MY Yuri back! Bring her back, damn it!

"I'm sorry, Yuri!" I squeeze my eyes shut and slam my head against hers forcing her to stumble back off me and fall onto her butt.

The world around me seems to...twitch...as if everything just shook, yet stayed completely still. Yuri holds her hands to her head in pain. "AH!"

I crawl over to her with my hands out, remaining on guard. "A-Are you alright, Yuri? I'm so sorry!"

She lets her hands fall to in front of her chest again. "N-no! It's alright! You did what you needed to. Are you alright? I didn't hurt you, did I?"

I relax and sigh. My breathing is heavy. I don't know what just happened, but I have more pressing priorities than figuring that out right now. "No, it's alright. I'm fine. Are you sure you're okay?"

She fidgets and plays with her hair. "I am. Thanks to you...I...Earlier...if it wasn't for you...I'm sure I would have...would be..." She chokes on her words and covers her mouth with a hand as tears well up in her eyes. She begins to sob. "Th-thank y-y-you..." She chokes out through her tears.

I wrap her up in my arms and whisper, "Shh. It's okay, Yuri. You're okay now. You're safe. You're going to be okay. I promise."

She wraps her arms around me, her hands holding onto the back of my shoulders."How can you be sure of something like that? There's still something terribly wrong with me...I don't know how to stop it, Kaito. How can things possibly be okay if I'm like this?"

I smile. "Because I'm going to stay with you and protect you. No matter what. I'm going to fix this."

She looks astonished. "Y-You can fix this?! H-How!?"

My eyes drift to the side as I absentmindedly scratch my cheek. "I, uh...I don't know yet." My eyes return to Yuri's while brimming with confidence. "But I'm going to do all I can to keep you safe!"

Yuri smiles, but it quickly fades. She goes quiet for a moment, her eyes are unable to meet mine. Suddenly, she mumbles. "I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"All my horrific behavior lately! For the inexcusable way I treated the others! You must think I'm some sort of freak for the way I was speaking and...for those humiliating things I admitted... And that horrific 'confession'!" Her cheeks grow red. "How is it that you could possibly be so nice to me after all the terrible things I said and did? What a terrible way to find out about my feelings for you. I've ruined everything!" Yuri hugs me tighter.

I gently begin stroking her midnight hair, making her stiffen up as a gasp escapes her lips. "Nothing's been ruined, Yuri. And I certainly don't think you're a freak. I know you haven't been yourself, remember? There's been some kind of outside force making you act so strangely. A force that I think has something to do with Monika. It may not have been the best of circumstances, but I'm glad that it's more than just craziness driven lust." I pull away from her so I can look her in the eyes. "That you genuinely like me makes me really happy."

Yuri averts her gaze, blushing a deep crimson. "K-Kaito...what are you saying? That's really embarrassing..."

"It's okay if it's just the two of us, right?" I cup the side of her face with my palm and smile softly.

A shy smile appears on her face. "Y-yeah..." She places a hand over mine. She looks up at me with a dreamy look on her face. It reminds me of the times she came over to my house to work on the festival decorations. My heart melts every time I see it.

Hesitantly, she pulls away. She avoids eye contact as her face burns. "I, um...should go retrieve the kettle and the pitcher..."

"Y-yeah..." I smile at her. She stands up, turns away,and retrieves the kettle and the water pitcher from the closet. She then walks past me and sets the kettle on the teachers desk. The first time I saw her move like that I regarded it as elegant and methodical, but now it's nothing short of enchanting. I can't help but stare. She really is intoxicating beautiful. Her hair flows behind her like the night sky washing away the last remaining vestiges of the daylight.

She turns, greeting me with a cautious smile. After approaching me, she begins to speak. "Kaito, would you care to accompany me as I fetch the water? I would go alone, but..."she grows apprehensive again.

I take her hand in my own. "Of course, Yuri. I'll be here beside you for as long as you need."

I feel her hand tighten around mine and a warm smile graces her reddened face. "You're too kind, Kaito. Hearing you say things like that makes me much too happy."

I smile back at her. "Come on. We should go get the water before it gets too late."

"Y-yes! I agree. Let's go."

We exit the club room and walk down the hall to the water fountain. It doesn't take long to retrieve the water and return. Yuri is even more quiet than normal. After what she's just been through I'm sure she has a lot on her mind. Before long, the tea is prepared and we sit down on the floor beneath the window.

We scoot in close to each other and assume our favored reading position. My right arm, which I would normally rest on my leg wraps around Yuri's lower back and I place my hand on her waist.

Yuri's back stiffens as she feels my hand on her. "K-Kaito...My heart..."

I pull my hand away. "S-sorry. Are you losing control again? Or does that make you uncomfortable?" 

"No! Ah....sorry. I didn't mean that at all. I mean to say my heart is racing , but it doesn't feel like it did before. It feels more natural than...you know. Y-You can put your hand back...if you want..."

"Ah...okay. If you're sure you're alright." I place my hand back on her waist. I notice a shy smile appear on Yuri's lips as her face takes on a crimson tone. I can't help but smile as well.

Yuri leans her head against mine and I do the same before we begin reading. I can't help but catch the smell of her hair. She really does like jasmine. I'm not surprised, but smelling it on her makes me a little happy for some reason.

Though distracted by all the nagging thoughts of what just happened I eventually finish the page and turn it like normal. "Ah...I'm sorry." Yuri speaks up, "I seem to have gotten lost in my thoughts and forgotten to read along."

I flip the page back. "Are you okay, Yuri? Did you want to stop? I figured doing something normal would help relax you, but I guess it's more awkward than I thought..."

Yuri bites her lip. "N-no! I do want to read with you...but I'm afraid my mind is simply racing with too many things right now and I'm finding it difficult to focus."

"You just went through a whole lot of really frightening things. You must have a lot of questions you want to ask, right?"

She turns her head to look me in the eyes. Her face is etched with worry."Y-yes. I do. Kaito, you said something very strange when you...stopped me...You said you couldn't watch me die again...That would imply...you've seen me die before...On top of that, the way you moved...It was like you knew about the knife...and what I was going to do. Kaito, how did you know?"

I'm silent for a moment. I pull my hand away and look her dead in the eyes."Yuri...What I'm about to tell you may shock and confuse you. It may even be hard to believe, but I promise that it's the truth. Before that, I need to know you're prepared to hear it. Are you sure you want to know what's been going on here?"

Yuri doesn't hesitate. "Yes, Kaito! Please! I'm so confused and frightened, but I need to know why all this is happening! Please tell me everything!"

I'm somewhat surprised by her intense and confident response. "Okay, if you're sure..." I take a deep breath. "Yuri, the thing is....we're caught in a time loop." Yuri's eyes widen in shock. "I've lived through this week more times than I can count or even know. It’s only recently that I’ve started remembering things. It started as a sense of deja vu and that feeling grew more intense each time. But now it’s gotten to the point where they’re full blown memories. But the memories don’t line up the same, because the loops aren’t the same either. Sometimes, things happen like they did this week, but..." My breathing becomes uneasy as the horrid memories come rushing back. "...last time you confessed to me like you did earlier..." I hold my forehead in my hand, anguish etched into my face. Yuri covers her mouth with her hand and her eyes widen in shock. "I couldn't stop it...I couldn't do anything! I was useless! I didn't do anything to stop you! I'm so sorry! "

"Ah...Kaito..." Yuri hesitantly reaches a hand out to me, pausing briefly before placing it over my own. "Please don't blame yourself for what I did. I know you would have done all you could if you had known what was going to happen. After all, you saved me this time, didn't you?" She smiles at me.

I smile weakly back, turning my hand to hold hers. "Yeah. I did...Thank you." The amber light from the sun on the wall catches my eye. "Oh...it's getting late. We should finish up here."

"Eh?!" Yuri's eyes jolt up to peer at the amber of the sunset painting the wall. She swallows hard. "A-ah! You're right...I suppose it's time to go..."

"Yuri." She turns back to face me. Fear is evident in her eyes. "Would you let me walk you home?" Like hell am I going to let her be alone right now.

"Yes!" She nearly shouts before catching herself. "Ah! I mean...yes, I'd very much appreciate that. Thank you, Kaito."

We clean up the tea set and return it to the closet. Before we know it we've gathered our things and we're ready to leave. Yuri takes a deep breath. She releases it. I take her hand in mine, lacing our fingers together. She glances at me with unease and a blush on her face. I respond with a gentle smile. "Ready?"

Her expression relaxes and she smiles back. She nods "Mmhmm."

The two of us leave the club room together and are soon on our way. In all the repeating time loops I can't remember a single one where I had ever gone to her house. It's an exciting thought to be going somewhere new.


End file.
